Sometimes an accident can be the miracle to change the direction of your life. .  .

I was sitting at the kitchen table in a house in British Columbia that I had once called my home.   Since the moment I decided to ‘do the right thing’ and stay on to help my ex-partner, Donna, and her daughter make ends meet, it has felt more like a prison, or a trap.  I had been feeling great responsibility toward them due to the fact that they were there for me during many hardships in my life.  But, it has been two years of what has felt like atonement.  I was now at my wits end.

I was doodling on a piece of paper.  I had drawn a wide crack from one corner to the other. I blackened in the crack with the pencil and in that I drew the Ying and Yang symbol and on each side of that I wrote “Life/Death”.

When Donna showed up I borrowed her car and ran downtown to do some errands and to visit a friend.  At about eleven thirty, I was coming back up the hill to where I lived.  It was a dark night without a moon to light the way.  I was driving the usual fifty-five kilometers per hour and was complacent in my knowledge of the road.

All of a sudden in my head lights I saw a large male deer in the on-coming lane about thirty feet in front of me.  Time seemed to slow down at this point.   I remember thinking that where there’s a male there should be a female.   As I thought that, out of the corner of my eye, to my right, a deer leaped in front of my vehicle.  (I should tell you that I’ve had a lot of experience as a driver, having driven taxi in the city. You learn to respond quickly to potential accidents.) This moment was different.  That split second where I would usually swerve out of danger was gone.  The deer looked right into my eyes.  For a second I felt compelled to continue my course.  It was as if she was saying “No, it is my time and yours.”

Bang, I hit her!  She bounced off the car and spun her hind quarters under the rear tire.  I traveled another fifty feet before I realized that there was severe damage to the vehicle.   I pulled over and investigated the damage.   The front end of the car was smashed up and I had blown the rear tire.  I couldn’t see the deer behind me, and so proceeded to try to change the tire.   I didn’t think to walk back to the deer.   I was sure that she was dead.

There was no way to get the car back to the house, so I took a ride from a passing motorist who informed me that the deer was still alive and on the side of the road, injured. When I got home, I told Donna what had happened to her car and the deer.    She took the news better than I thought and suggested that we call the police to come and help with the deer and report the accident.

We then drove my van to her vehicle.   She stayed with the car as I walked down to where the deer was and found her leaning her head against the cement barrier.   Her body was a mess, her whole back end was crushed.   Her intestines were hanging out a large hole in her stomach.

I was in shock.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.   It was as if I felt her suffering.  I slowly walked up to her, trying not to scare her more.   I spoke to her softly, saying over and over, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’ve killed you.”   I began to cry.   I climbed over the barrier and leaned down to put my hands on her.  All of a sudden she turned her broken body to face me.   It amazed me that she could move, the damage was so severe.

She put her face close to mine and looked right into my eyes, as she had done when I hit her. I cupped her face in my hands and began to soothe her as I cried.    Many times I apologized to her.  Many times I told her that I didn’t mean to kill her, for I knew that she would soon die.

Her tongue was hanging out and her eyes were wide open, by all rights she should already be dead.  She should have been scared of me, but I felt that she was trying to tell me something.  The look in her eyes was not of fear, it was not even of pain. It was as if Divine guidance was at work through her.  “We were done.”   Those words kept going through my head.  She was done in life and I was done in the sentence that I had given myself.

A police officer showed up and put the deer out of her misery and I drove home saddened by the pain that I had caused–but exhilarated at the same time.   Something inside of me had changed.   I knew would make a change and soon after I moved out and began a new life.

I met a beautiful lady on Maui and am now enjoying a miracle life with her.

That deer will forever be in my memory as my guide to changes that have saved my life and given new meaning to it.   I thank her always for that and still shed a tear from time to time, but do feel so blessed by our encounter.

God Bless you, my Deer

Colin–Hope, British Columbia

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